Moving On December 24, 2011

So he came back. I always knew he would. What we had – you don’t let it go like that.

He came back and he asked what he could do to convince me he’s for real. I asked him why he wanted this, afterall, I haven’t heard God say anything He hasn’t being saying…and neither has he. He gave me reasons which sounded convincing, but you know once that seed of doubt has been planted it stretches deep and its hard to uproot. But I eventually decided to give it another go.

Then his doubts crept up again. This time I shut the door firmly and never looked back. Then I focused on getting over him. Letting go of relationships like this is always really hard. You can’t explain why, but you need to move on. I went on a retreat, me and God for 3 days in the mountains of Western Maryland. I found peace with my decision to let go and experienced healing in other relationships where I was hurting.

1 Sam 12:24 – David answered, “while the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘who knows? The Lord may be glorious to me and let the child live. But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again?…” In comforting Bathsheba, God gave David another son, Solomon – Jedidiah, which means “Loved by the Lord”.

So for the second half of this year, I turned my focus to embracing the treasures of being single. Focusing my attention on God and becoming the virtuous woman He’s called me to be, in every sense of the word. On my family and my loved ones. On my school work and other projects…and on having a fun time in this city that I truly love!

Letting a seed die

This time last year I was mourning the loss, not of a loved one, but of a loving relationship. You know when you meet the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time in the most unexpected way and something that you can’t quite explain in words grows, and blossoms…and then when you least expect it, it dies. Yep, that about sums it up. So I mourned, and analyzed and beat myself up about what I could have done differently but truth is, we live and we learn. I learned TONS through that relationship. About myself and what I really want, about love and commitment, about selflessness, PATIENCE and the right way to compromise.

Most importantly, I drew closer to God. Yeah we Christian women know how to run back to our first love when our earthly loves disappoint. But this was different because what I had for God were questions – I felt like I did this one right. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed as much about anything as much as I did on this relationship. But you know God just had to be sovereign and tell me “Trust me, Child. I know what I’m doing”. Eventually, I had to come to terms with the fact that the “why” would have to unfold over time. All I could do was trust him and obey, and Let it go.

I did, grudgingly….and then he came back.

One year after… December 15, 2011

My friend asked for my blog address today and I thought, wow, people actually remember this? I stopped blogging mostly because I didn’t feel my musings were making any impact, and I do struggle more these days with sharing really intimate things with everyone. I feel really weird when I browse through Facebook and the likes these days…but that’s just me.

Anyway, 2011! As my mum says, Our year of restoration. Its been an awesome year for my family and I thank God for giving my parents so many reasons to smile. Its been a year of numerous answers to prayers for me; every time I get on my knees to pray, all I can say is “Thank you Lord”.  I developed a habit of writing down my testimonies this year so that when the flesh tries to rise up to accuse God for being quiet on my case, I can go back and read through and shut that voice. LOL.

This year, somehow God made provision available for ALL my academic expenses. I go to a really expensive school so even with the scholarship I got, my tuition costs alone add up to tens of thousands of dollars. Somehow God provided; and He provided a car, housing, living expenses…everything I needed. My brother got into perhaps the most renowned school on the African continent. All his results were outstanding. My sister finished her pharmacy program and got a job, and she got to visit me this year! After 3.5 years. My parents enjoyed serious restoration in their business..and these are just a few of the amazing testimonies I have this year.

I sincerely hope these testimonies will encourage whoever reads this. If you believe in God, then be assured that He never delays, though your promise, like mine, may feel like it tarries.

Enjoy the last few weeks of this year.

Peace and Love,

Me.

A Lesson in Patience July 18, 2010

I’m driven and like getting things done. It also means I don’t like waiting; I want everything done instantaneously and when things don’t work out the way I expect, or in my own time, I tend to freak out. Yeah, it has a name – ANXIETY. Now I recognized this issue a while back, and countered this spirit of anxiety with God’s word. The challenge is the root cause – IMPATIENCE – has been left to fester. But it keeps rearing its ugly head, so now I’m making conscious efforts to fight it. It’s in simple decisions like not snapping at people, or sighing, when I have to explain things more than once. It also means I adjust my expectations, and choose not to stress about things that are out of my control.

So there was a test today. Just as I was rejoicing about two answers that came in quick succession, I realized that I couldn’t make a payment that had to be done today. Instant reaction: Panic mode:  “Crap, I’m screwed, what do I do?!?!?” Response: “Rush to the bank, immediately. Call XYZ person, impress the urgency on everyone’s mind”…Basically – action, action, action. Then I got to the bank and they couldn’t process it. As I got back into my car, I thought, “Breathe, why would God take care of everything and then let this simple administrative issue get in the way?” At that point I just knew it was going to get resolved, that it was just a test. A test of how I would respond.

I felt this peace – That’s the peace that passes all understanding that the Bible talks about (Phil 4:6-8). So my actions going forward were carried out calmly, and no longer driven by fear and anxiety. I realized it wasn’t through my power that this payment was going to get sorted. So I relaxed and let God take the driver’s seat.

Of course God made a way and it got sorted at the end of the day. It’s a surreal feeling…others may not relate but I feel like I just passed a test!

I am determined to work hard in Graduate School… June 11, 2010

…so help me God.

I’ve been told for a while, maybe all my life, that I’m smart/gifted. My mom says I started reading newspapers at the age of 4. I remember devouring every book in my house (even some I had absolutely no business reading) by the time I was 9 years old. I started secondary school at the age of 9 and did well. I also got chosen as one of two students in my primary school for the gifted children school in Nigeria.

But I never actually started feeling smart till very recently. See, I never really had to work terribly hard, except for few advanced math classes. But I always got very good grades. My mom wasn’t one to check on homework and “burn the midnight candle” with us. She’d ask if we’ve done our work and a yes would usually suffice. Don’t get me wrong, she wasn’t flippant, but we never gave her cause for concern. Plus with my dad always on the road, she had a million and one things to juggle. I barely remember sitting with mom to do homework, but, hey, I was always in the top 5-10% so it was fine by me.

At some point in college I realized that I could actually be outstanding, exceptional, and not just “very good”…if I would just motivate myself to work a little harder. I wish I didn’t procrastinate so much only to study the night before and get an A- or B+ when I could have had an A++. A good example is in the two aptitude tests I’ve taken. I did well on my SATs (not outstanding) but then I prepared for them in 3 weeks while prepping for other exams. Granted that was due to circumstances beyond my control, but when it came time for my GMAT, I prayed hard and studied harder. Four weeks of very diligent study, even with my crazy work schedule, and my score was outstanding. See, its easy! I remember my Senior Seminar project in college and how I procrastinated till the last week of the semester. I almost went nuts trying to put together a paper hundreds of pages long, and I ended up with a B+….I could have easily gotten an A in that class.

I hope it’s not too late, but I feel like grad school is a chance for a “do over”. What would it feel like to have a 4.0 GPA instead of a 3.6? It’s doable, I have God and the brains for it, so why not? I WILL look at my class outline as soon as I get it (not the week before my mid-term). I will pay close attention to subtle requirements (such as attendance and random assignments) and start working towards my A from the first week of classes.

I’m determined…so help me God.

Being Led by the Spirit June 10, 2010

 

For those who are led by the Spirit are the sons of God… (Rom 8:14)

Live by the spirit and you will not fulfil the lusts of the flesh… (Gal 5:16)

These are some of the scriptures that God has been laying on my heart all week, through different media. The message is pretty clear, and it was the thrust of my devotional 2 days ago. The need to be consciously aware of the Spirit; for my eyes and ears to be sensitive to what God is saying and doing. I feel really strongly that God is trying to draw my attention to something; and I desperately need confirmation on some of the major steps I am taking — Y’know having that word that you can hold on to no matter how rough things get. I anticipate the challenges on this journey so I really need to know God is in it with me.

After my argument with H yesterday about him criticizing my plans, we ended up talking about career alternatives. I am appreciative of his logical and (overly) practical approach; makes me feel like rolling my eyeballs sometimes, but I know it is really good for me. I do feel like God is using him to make sure I don’t get too comfortable cos he won’t just leave me be until I really think through stuff critically. So yeah, he’s a great person to have in my corner right now…but I’m digressing.

The most important thing is for me to understand that while God uses men to speak to us, there is nothing like a direct word from Him. I know I need to set time out and clear the distractions around me to focus on Him and I pray that I will hear clearly. I’ll also be armed with my excel spreadsheet as I weigh the different alternatives and try to chart a 5-10 year plan for myself.

Crossroads June 8, 2010

Do I even know what I want to be when I grow up? Oh snap, I’m grown…very grown, and getting older by the day. Yet I’m more confused than when I started off. I was pretty sure I wanted to step out of the finance box and focus on other interests. A Master’s program focused on International Policy made so much sense, cos it’s something I am sooo interested in. But does my motivation stem from being tired of the finance, MBA-type, world? Or is this something that I can actually build a career around?

Part of my sudden hesitation comes from Mr H who insists on having these 5-year, 10-year career plan conversations, when I am quite content with seeing how it goes (don’t tell him I said that). I wonder what happened to the control freak who always had it all figured out. Wait, I know what happened – the best laid plans fell through. So with eyes covered, I let go, hesitantly at first….and then as desperation grew, I cried out to God. Show me YOUR way, where do I go?

It’s tough cos I constantly have to remind myself why I don’t want to go back to IB or hard core finance, especially when I see people who stuck through it and have risen to great heights and gone on to do amazing things. Am I willing to sacrifice another 5 years of happiness and peace for what could be? The fear of the unknown is also at work here, majorly. What’s my new career path going to be?

I don’t know for sure, but I’m exploring options that are much more interesting to me. So I continue to trust in His leading.

Selah

Wanderlust June 4, 2010

In the past 5 years, I have lived in four cities. My definition of “live” is spending 5 months or more in one place and having an occupation – school, work, etc. During that period I have visited at least 6 other countries. My mother asks: why can’t you just stay in one place?

Its genetic, I blame my Dad who is constantly on the road like me. I am restless and get bored easily. Plus, there’s so much out there to explore, why sit in one place? Or so I thought, until now.

For the first time in my life, I am actually not looking forward to moving again. Yes, I love DC and I am excited about moving back to familiar territory. Plus I’ve just about had enough of Lagos at this point, I definitely need a break. I am also looking forward to going back to school and what will hopefully be a new career focus. But I dread having to move all my stuff again, or what little is left of it, settle in another house/apartment, meet new people and miss old friends.

Maybe it’s a sign that I’m getting old, sigh… I’d really like a more permanent home base now, so I was kinda hoping that this will be the final move for a long time. But God has a way of shaking things up in my life cos you know I just had to meet someone that’s actually making me reconsider this decision.

So I will try to stay open and see how “final” the next move will be.

Why did I stop blogging?

Laziness, Distractions, Dodgy Internet, Stress…the list is endless.

Few months ago, someone posted a comment urging me to continue writing, but I didn’t respond (my bad).

Until today, when I caught up with a friend through her blog – yeah, its pretty ridiculous how technology has changed the world. I could literally get a quick update on what she’d been up to in the past year by reading her blog. I enjoyed it, but it was also a kick in the butt. I gotta get back to setting up these memorials, and sharing my experiences with whoever cares to read them

So I’m back to blogging, so help me God

I’m awestruck February 9, 2009

Today, I am reveling in the awesomeness of God, especially how amazingly NEW He is every morning, every season…He never grows old, His word is never stale.
Lord, this week, I want to know your very heartbeat. Where should I go, What steps should I take.
Selah