I wrote this back in September, but now that I’ve been bitten by the blogging bug, figured i’d post…enjoy
I spoke to my aunt in 9ja yday and it was the usual, “hmm hope this your work isn’t keeping you too busy for other important things” and we all know what that means….As usual, my reaction was the eye-roll, “why do they all feel the constant need to remind me of something that’s way out of my control”. Sometimes I get the sense that they feel i/we are deliberately pushing guys away or we are too picky, but we know that is not the case. Yes, there are certain things that I won’t settle on and I do insist that I will be a happier person being single than settling for some of these guys; but I do value relationships and believe that God will bless this area of my life as well.
Then she started talking abt how she knows how strong-willed I am, and I’m focused on my goals and want to do things my own way, in my own time blablabla. Yep the usual story. It saddens me to think that ppl have so boxed up the idea of feminity and anything that doesn’t fit the mold is generally seen as a perversion, an aberration that should be fixed.
I had to ask B, why do people think I want to rule the world and that’s all I’m concerned about. Trust my homie to lay it out, insightfully: “I, you do want to rule the world, but its important that you know yourself and keep your swag. Misunderstood people are usually lonely but you can’t change, Africa needs you”
I totally felt him, esp on the misunderstood pple part (dunno about Africa needing me sha). Yes, I agree that the idea of “ruling the world” is intriguing and makes my heart race; I like to drive things, make money, build businesses. I would take a conversation abt money anyday, over, say shopping. I have been consciously working on building rships with women but I still feel out of place half the time; no I don’t have a favorite type of flower, I don’t know what to talk abt in a circle of girls reading People magazine, so I just keep quiet. I don’t care much for the goings-on in beyonce, jolie, clooney’s lives. Let’s talk about the FT! Forbes, Trump, Dangote…I’m all ears! I like pretty things but don’t like buying them, or putting them together…I like boys, yes! But I want to hang out with them not talk about them…and then I tell myself, I just have to find more women that are like me; afterall there are the angels…but in NY they are so few! It is a lonely world; I was looking at the Lisa Bevere book – Fight like a girl, and it seems interesting: embracing your femininity and all that good stuff I’ve been learning recently but can I get a book for women who are misunderstood for a change?! No we don’t have d*cks (well, maybe less estrogen than most women) Yes, we want similar things – a great man, a happy home, etc – but we are society changers. On the flip side, I don’t care much for sports, beer, grunting (instead of talking).
I know God’s blessed me with unique talents that I am accountable for. I CANNOT let it go to waste because I don’t find many women like me. Why should I learn to fight like a woman when I love fighting like a man even more? And you know E.B. just had to top it up by sending me that email abt the “Independent Woman” song…I swear the next time anyone tells me I’m too strong, independent, I scare men off or whatever else it is they say, I will just respond: “I thought we were all fearfully and wonderfully made my God? Ever stopped to think that maybe I don’t deliberately send off those vibes that are making you all bunched up”
I know I’m a work in progress and as God reveals my flaws and removes layers of fears and insecurities, I am embracing wholeness and walking in the fullness of who He’s called me to be not who society expects me to be…
P.S. CABW = crazy angry black woman…B and I were analyzing the ABW syndrome and he thinks I take it up a notch, hence the CABW