Insecurities… October 24, 2010

To answer my last question, the answer is NO.  I was clearly bugging out. I don’t have it in me to be a b*tch. In fact I’m so much of a softie that I bend over backwards to please every Tom, Dick and Henrietta. I’m the adaptable one, easy-going, gets along well with everyone. But I struggle once the relationship gets past the surface level. I don’t know how to handle depth.

Some call it the 2nd/middle child syndrome, we don’t get as much attention and tend to internalize everything and keep people out. I think its partly cos I don’t handle criticism well so a no-brainer way to avoid it is just not to let people know anything about me that could be criticized. I also don’t like confrontations (I blame that on my mother) and thus my motto becomes “live at peace with all men”. But then how do people get to know the true me? Many of my loved ones say they can’t really crack me, “I don’t really feel like I know you”, “you’re too closed and unfeeling”….and I wonder, do I really know me?

I do know one thing – I feel very misunderstood. My friend, B, once said that women like me are misunderstood cos our needs are too often neglected. I struggle with expressing myself to others (hence the blogging) and so people make assumptions. The tough exterior masks a lot of insecurities…its evident in the number of times I need to get confirmation from a trusted party before I do the simplest things. Just like everyone, I also need to be affirmed.

I’ve decided I’m going to stop allowing people describe me as “special/strange/weird/different” and whatever derivative people use. I will also stop agreeing with them. I don’t want to be common, but I want my being special to be in a positive light.

Afterall, we do become who we call ourselves.

…On being strong October 22, 2010

Do “weak”, subservient people with little/no opinions get attacked too? Or is it just being strong that is a bad thing?

This post is reminiscent of my CABW one a couple of years ago. I’m tired of being attacked. It’s even worse when you get attacked because people expect you to react a certain way and when you don’t, they just assume your silence is critical. My friend sent an email about how people were critical of her marriage decision and the way they went about it. I assumed it was a general email she’d sent out to a bunch of friends and just responded saying, you know people probably didn’t mean any harm, we all just didn’t understand the situation. Then I realized it was actually targeted to me and a few other people. My first reaction was to laugh cos it was precisely for this reason that I had kept my opinions to myself about the whole situation. I didn’t want to be the critical, opinionated one, especially in a situation where I know my opinion didn’t matter.

But she’d clearly assumed that my not saying much, and also interpreted the little I said, was being judgmental. I apologized. Then I got angry. Why do I have to over-compensate because people automatically think I’m a certain way? It’s very unfair, to say the least!  My anger was further fueled by someone emailing me to ask for my help (yet again) and asking if I was now “a nice person”. How annoying is that? I think about the numerous times my “not-so-nice” self has helped her in the past, when she gave me absolutely NO reason to. Yet she keeps talking about how I’m not very nice.  I wonder if I’d feel better if I was actually the b*tch people portray me as.

(For my very born again friends, please excuse the *dodgy* words in this post (and others) – as you all know. I write it as it comes to mind)

Redefining Home February 9, 2009

I had a surprisingly amazing time in D.C. this past weekend, so good was it that I want to go back…everyday! I felt right at home, because it is the closest place around here to what I currently call home…’cept smaller, more affordable, cleaner, etc. I like that I have a lot of family and (true) friends here. I like that the pace is not as brutal as NYC, I will miss NY but its close enough that I can visit often enough. So I think I have come home….I can’t wait to explore

Yes, I will be going up to Philly for two years for school, but I will be back here, get this: TO SETTLE DOWN….drumroll. Yes, I think I want to make DC home, unless my original home draws me back to it…

Reflections December 28, 2008

Its the end of the year, and as is expected I’m reflecting over the past year and setting goals and expectations for 2009. I am very distracted by the things I’m waiting on; its tough to focus on other things when I’m waiting on these things I so strongly desire. The uncertainty at work also makes me a little unsettled, but I know that all things will work out for my good, no matter what happens.

2008 has been a year of spiritual and emotional maturity. Through it all, I have come to value true friendship and love. I know that all that happened this year was truly preparation for the many battles that I still have to fight. My, this year, I have learned a deeper meaning of Lordship and Trusting God.

I want to start my own business in 2009, or at least be on my way to starting it. I am believing God for visions and dreams — to show me His specific calling on my life in this aspect. In 2009, I want to obey God, no matter how crazy it sounds or how undesirable the request it. In Nov and Dec, I enjoyed the fruit of obedience in a matter that was so important to me. That God would speak to me about something, and I followed despite what my heart wanted and especially because I wasn’t sure that I was doing the right thing. But, He said we His sheep know His voice, and I felt in my Spirit that the H.S. had not released me to walk that path and I held on in faith. Hmm, it was definitely a path of destruction and in hindsight, I am so full of praise to God for His guidance

Love Interest… November 12, 2008

I was on the phone last night for over an hour talking to my new friend. Yeah, I chastised myself cos I still haven’t done my essays! Anyway, he’s easy to talk to and I welcome the distraction. Good thing, he’s young so I feel no pressure and I know I’m not interested in anything more than just hanging out…I like the attention, its been a few months since a guy’s actively pursued me and its sort of a reminder not to make excuses for any guy…you gotta pursue who/what you want! So yeah, I yielded to his incessant texts and proceeded to answer his very amusing questions. The “getting-to-know” phase is usually more interesting, and then its either uphill or downhill…I’m hoping this doesn’t go past the “getting-to-know”, I’ll need wisdom to know when to cut it off.

That said, I prayed about him and asked God to show me why He’s brought him into my life…that’s apart from making me feel like a million bucks haha! I remember saying I wasn’t interested in d-man at the beginning, but he succeeded in wooing me. So maybe I’m just lying to myself by saying nothing could ever come out of this. But he doesn’t live in the city so I can keep him at arm’s length to an extent. We’ll see how long I can keep him at bay before I have to go an official date with him…I really detest that term “dating” right about now…

Ranting of a CABW

I wrote this back in September, but now that I’ve been bitten by the blogging bug, figured i’d post…enjoy

I spoke to my aunt in 9ja yday and it was the usual, “hmm hope this your work isn’t keeping you too busy for other important things” and we all know what that means….As usual, my reaction was the eye-roll, “why do they all feel the constant need to remind me of something that’s way out of my control”. Sometimes I get the sense that they feel i/we are deliberately pushing guys away or we are too picky, but we know that is not the case. Yes, there are certain things that I won’t settle on and I do insist that I will be a happier person being single than settling for some of these guys; but I do value relationships and believe that God will bless this area of my life as well.

Then she started talking abt how she knows how strong-willed I am, and I’m focused on my goals and want to do things my own way, in my own time blablabla. Yep the usual story. It saddens me to think that ppl have so boxed up the idea of feminity and anything that doesn’t fit the mold is generally seen as a perversion, an aberration that should be fixed.

I had to ask B, why do people think I want to rule the world and that’s all I’m concerned about. Trust my homie to lay it out, insightfully: “I, you do want to rule the world, but its important that you know yourself and keep your swag. Misunderstood people are usually lonely but you can’t change, Africa needs you”

I totally felt him, esp on the misunderstood pple part (dunno about Africa needing me sha). Yes, I agree that the idea of “ruling the world” is intriguing and makes my heart race; I like to drive things, make money, build businesses. I would take a conversation abt money anyday, over, say shopping. I have been consciously working on building rships with women but I still feel out of place half the time; no I don’t have a favorite type of flower, I don’t know what to talk abt in a circle of girls reading People magazine, so I just keep quiet. I don’t care much for the goings-on in beyonce, jolie, clooney’s lives. Let’s talk about the FT! Forbes, Trump, Dangote…I’m all ears! I like pretty things but don’t like buying them, or putting them together…I like boys, yes! But I want to hang out with them not talk about them…and then I tell myself, I just have to find more women that are like me; afterall there are the angels…but in NY they are so few! It is a lonely world; I was looking at the Lisa Bevere book – Fight like a girl, and it seems interesting: embracing your femininity and all that good stuff I’ve been learning recently but can I get a book for women who are misunderstood for a change?! No we don’t have d*cks (well, maybe less estrogen than most women) Yes, we want similar things – a great man, a happy home, etc – but we are society changers. On the flip side, I don’t care much for sports, beer, grunting (instead of talking).

I know God’s blessed me with unique talents that I am accountable for. I CANNOT let it go to waste because I don’t find many women like me. Why should I learn to fight like a woman when I love fighting like a man even more? And you know E.B. just had to top it up by sending me that email abt the “Independent Woman” song…I swear the next time anyone tells me I’m too strong, independent, I scare men off or whatever else it is they say, I will just respond: “I thought we were all fearfully and wonderfully made my God? Ever stopped to think that maybe I don’t deliberately send off those vibes that are making you all bunched up”

I know I’m a work in progress and as God reveals my flaws and removes layers of fears and insecurities, I am embracing wholeness and walking in the fullness of who He’s called me to be not who society expects me to be…

P.S. CABW = crazy angry black woman…B and I were analyzing the ABW syndrome and he thinks I take it up a notch, hence the CABW

Free to love…or not November 5, 2008

My head is pounding this morning cos I haven’t been getting much sleep with my house guest, and then elections yesterday. Also pre-occupied with the drama that ensued this morning. Makes me wonder again if marriage/relationships are really worth the hassle. I am amazed at how inherently selfish we are as humans. How someone can profess to love you, can’t live without you, etc. yet not be ready/willing to commit to an exclusive relationship. Sort of reminiscent of my first relationship. Yes, I was 19 and in retrospect clearly had no idea what I wanted. But I held on to him for almost 2 years cos I “loved him” (yeah sounds ridiculous to me too). I am glad I followed what I thought was God’s leading and ended it when I did. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done because I really did love him. But I realized that in that situation, love was releasing him from the uncertainty of our relationship. Love was letting him go because I wasn’t ready to give it my all. Two years later, I am even more sure I did the right thing.

I was selfish. Its selfishness that drives someone to cheat on their spouse, or question their fidelity (FYI, I did neither). We all seem to be chasing ultimate satisfaction, what’s best for me…”you don’t care about me, you don’t understand what I’m going through, I can’t live without you, this is not working for me…” the list goes on. Me, Me, Me.

I see the picture of God’s love in Christ. That while we were yet sinners, He died for us. He loves us unconditionally, even when we are the most messed up. I am not a fool, living in la-la land so I recognize that we as humans are imperfect and cannot love this way. Yes, I lived in oblivion for the longest time. My parents didn’t have a perfect marriage but I grew up in a home filled with love and affection, and they showed it. I was shocked when I heard the realities of most families especially in the African society. Looking at my parents now, I realize that my mum probably shielded us from a lot of things. The cracks in their marriage now that I chalk up to “life happening”, really break my heart. They’re still together but it doesn’t feel as good anymore, even to me on the outside. It sucks that so much happened, which they had no control over, that ultimately affected their marriage. I think about it a lot and keep telling myself to manage my expectations. The rosy picture of marriage I saw in the first 10 years of my life is so not reality. I realized how cynical I’d gotten when I heard that conversation btw my aunt and uncle. I so wasn’t surprised, but I can’t help feeling disappointed, again, in the institution of marriage, in us as believers. I confess that I’m scared to love fully, because I don’t want to be hurt/disappointed. “He’s just a man, afterall” is what everyone will tell me. I figure if I don’t expect too much from a relationship/marriage, when the inevitable happens, at least I won’t be so heartbroken.

But I’m reminded of the verse: “Perfect love casts out all fears” which I meditated on for months when I was dealing with overcoming fears. Christ is my Perfect Love and His unfailing love comforts me. Maybe the dreams I had as a little girl watching my dad and mum, will come true. Or maybe not. Either way, I keep my eyes fixed on the author and the finisher of my faith, because He alone is man enough to never disappoint me.
Peace and Love,
Me